Please welcome Occidental Dissent’s newest contributor, Hadassah Rosner. She’s an ordinary American housewife, just like you. She’s here to answer your questions about baking pies, riding horses, watching NASCAR, and other goyish kitsch. She’s a fat stupid American, just like yourself. So you can trust her advice!
Dear Ordinary American Housewife,
I’m a career girl who’s not getting any younger, and I’m starting to hear my biological clock ticking. I have the successful professional job I’ve always wanted, am making it on my own, and don’t have to answer to anybody. I’ve been working a lot of overtime lately for that next big promotion, but sometimes I feel like I’ll be a failure even if I get that promotion, because I’m missing out on marriage and motherhood. I’m torn between the life my mentors and role models inspired me to pursue and a grinding sense of loneliness in my heart. A girl my age can’t afford to be indecisive for much longer. What should I do!?
Sincerely,
Cornered in the Corner Office
Dear Cornered,
That’s not loneliness you’re feeling in your heart. That’s betrayal, betrayal to generations of feminist women who’ve liberated you from marriage, motherhood, and White Christian patriarchy! You didn’t work this hard and get this far to turn back now and stab your sisters in the back. Go ahead and tell ordinary American women like Shulamith Firestone, Emma Goldman, Elena Kagan, Emma Lazarus, Susan Sontag, and Gloria Steinem (and many more!) that you “wanna have a baby”.
If you must have a baby, do my people^H^H^H^H^Hthe world a favor and adopt one of those third world schvartze babies instead of selfishly spawning another unworthy recipient of White Privilege. If you must get married, consider marrying another career girl. That’s legal, now. And before you know it we’ll have moved the country so much more to the left that Republicans will be thinking it was their idea.
Sincerely,
Ordinary American Housewife
Dear Ordinary American Housewife,
I work for the Coast Guard and we came across a raft filled with Cubans attempting to illegally immigrate to America. It’s really expensive to rescue them and support them on public assistance for several months and even years while they tie up our legal system with nuisance litigation. In the meantime, any children they have end up with American citizenship. This is an incredibly expensive problem. How do we stop them from coming?
Sincerely,
Patriotic Petty Officer
Dear Petty Pirate,
Didn’t you read the sign? The world’s huddled masses have more of a right to be American citizens than a fat stupid hillbilly like yourself who was lucky enough to be born here. America’s not a nation…but an idea. If your heart is filled with crass opportunism and your mouth is filled with vapid abstractions about liberty, democracy, and capitalism, then we’ve reserved you a seat at the greatest feast in human history. Invite those refugees to join me as we feast on the vitality, resources, and future of these gullible pigs.
Sincerely,
Ordinary American Housewife
Dear Ordinary American Housewife,
We’re patrolling international waters and we’ve encircled a boatload of unarmed humanitarians attempting to deliver food and medical supplies to the Gaza Strip open-air concentration camp. What should we do, now?
Sincerely,
Indecisive Israeli
Dear Heroic Hebrew,
Shoot to kill!
Sincerely,
Ordinary American Housewife